When I was growing up we were taught that by 18 you had to have your career figured out, go straight off to college after high school, build up massive debt, get married, have kids, and find a "good paying job with benefits" so you can be stable and provide. We were taught that if we don't have these things together we will be like the cousin no one talks to. "Do not be like her Linnet" is what both of my parents said two separate times before I was 12. But I couldn't help but wonder, why no one talked to her anymore. The two times she came around she was the coolest cousin. The family called her a wild slut. I still do not know where she is, as I have not seen or heard from her since I was a child, but she never left my mind.
I was a straight 'A' student and dedicated to my dance career from the age of 2 all the way until I was 20. I was modeling at 14 had a great future ahead of me. I was the perfect daughter. Until I got pregnant at 16. Bloop! I did not have the cookie cutter upbringing. We were the working class in crack infested Brooklyn, NY, we had roaches -LOTS OF THEM MOTHERFUCKERS TOO. Ick! My parents had a very public and nasty divorce that effected me so deeply I had to address it in therapy - finally- at 28 years old. Throughout my upbringing I was focused on getting a degree and finding a great paying office job. I was well on my path to the American Dream, the path of security and social acceptance. I had a child very young, but that never held me back. I kept pushing forward and putting my heart into all of my work and my daughter. By 18 years old I was making 35k a year at a hotel in NYC. The money kept coming in! By the time I was 21, I was making 50k a year, I hated college, I felt creatively stifled, and my mother was now dead, and my father ran off with a mistress. I was still being pressured by society and my family to be the perfect mother, have a great secure job and live comfortably. As life went on and I was on this path to security I was wilting inside. I couldn't help but think about that cousin who was "wild and free", what was she doing? Where was she? Was she still wild and free like my family said? I needed to do something different. During this entire time I was working my magic, MY CRAFT. After several failed relationships, 5 different homes, several jobs, 3 dogs and 2 cats later I was 34, tired, and wilting. I had to consult with my ancestors, as 95% of my family is now dead I have to call on them from the other side. Through illness and healing I had to change something, I was just not happy! Finally, I said I need to be free. I declared it. I had no clue what this "freedom" looked like. I just knew I needed it like I need air and water. After this conversation with Spirit and my Ancestors,I submitted my resignation to my secure Director position. I was going on faith. I trusted my Spiritual Team and Ancestors, but man was this shit scary. My spouse was against it. But I had to do this. It felt like life and death. My lifelong happiness depended on it. Eventually that relationship ended as well. Why? Because I chose ME! I chose myself and my freedom.
The first 3 months of being " jobless" and relying on my craft and gigs to sustain me was a terrible time. I would vomit regularly from the stress of not having a cushy check every other week. I had plenty of opportunities to go back to working in non- profit. I would look at job listings online, and the thought of working for someone else, sitting at an office and seeing the same people that I can't stand day in and day out made my stomach turn and my head hurt. I was in the midst of a paradigm shift. I had no choice but to change my way of thinking and truly embrace the choice I made to be a full time entrepreneur. There is something poetic about paradigm shifts. Paradigm shifts can be a beautiful process of accepting new beliefs and adopting new habits to shift my way of thinking and working.
Not mine, my shift was shitty shit-shit. I had to relearn everything I was taught about being an adult. I no longer had the cushy job, I was no longer married, bills were piling up, family members called me crazy and they didn't believe in my journey. I lost friends, broke up with friends, and eventually lost all my personal items and was living out of a suitcase for 6 months. Everything I owned fit in that suitcase. My daughter was on her own in NYC so I knew she was good. Through all of this many would have given up on this journey to freedom and return to the safe, stifling path of work, home, babies, and bills. I took inventory of myself throughout this process. While my world was in the midst of a tornado I was fine. I was actually just fine. The things I could control were fine. The things I could not control were under control by forces greater than me. I had to believe that my declaration of freedom wasn't for naught. This was where my trust in my spiritual team was tested. I had no choice but to be still. I put all my energy into growing my business, every cent went to my business. I was making new meaningful friendships with people who were on similar journeys. I was opening up to receiving blessings and abundance in very new ways. I was grateful and feeling well... happy! It was no longer the bi-weekly direct deposit. I had to learn the algorithm of Spirit. I had to learn that when I put love into my practice/passion it manifests the desired outcome. I had to give offering when I had nothing to give. Sometimes offering was just water and a piece of bread. But it was intentional offering. Before I knew it, I was busy. Not your average busy either, I was getting booked every day. Money was flowing and I was an obedient steward over my financial blessings. I was walking in and with Spirit daily (I still do b.t.w!) I knew I was on the right path for this journey because I was flowing with the algorithm of Spirit. I was not fighting anything anymore. If I wanted freedom I had to let go of control. True freedom is deeply rooted within. We just have to let go of those outdated programmed ways of thinking and just fly! ( It ain't easy, trust!) As time went on and I settled into my new life as an entrepreneur I still wondered where my cousin was and if she was still wild and free. I wanted to find her to tell her how much of an impact she made on my life though we only met 2x and I was so young. I want to tell her that I too am wild and free. I created the life I want because I trusted Spirit. I want to tell her that being this free is magical. There is nothing like answering to yourself and holding yourself accountable. I want to tell her that because she chose to be herself and didn't care what anyone thought she gave me hope. I want to tell her thank you for being who you are and being the wild slutty cousin that everyone assumed you were. I appreciate you staying away from us because we were toxic. I appreciate you for choosing yourself. Because of you I chose me and the magic of being free, truly free is unmatched. Thank you so much.